septimus heap parody
by santinel
Summary: Sara is crazy, silas has a low intelligence, jenna is spoiled, septimus is boring, and everybody hates me. What does that make? a septimus heap parody!
1. i sense something

**this is a septimus heap parody. hope you like it!**

_silas:(in mind) why am i walking through the snowstorm? oh, i whas supposed to find som herbs for my wife! why cant this fucking cape keep the cold out? What did i just sense? a beating heart? (_finds jenna)_ shit. a baby. should i take her with me? no. i cant have another kid.i can handle seven, but EIGHT? never. (continues walking)._

santinel: why are you continueing walking? youre supposed to take the kid with you! cant you see, she's freezing!

silas: when did you get here?

santinel: right now.

silas: there is no footsteps behind you.

santinel: the storm wooshed it away.

silas: i can live with that. but why are you wearing a tank top and shorts? is'nt it cold?

santinel: nooo... well YES! but no. just take the kid and leave!

silas: (taking the kid and leaving)

in a dark tunnel somwhere

Silas: (in mind) _marcia overstrand is the ex-extraordinary wizard..._

marcia: (appears) she was born in your family! give the fuck in telling somebody anything else, and you are DEAD!(disappears)

santinel:(whispers) what a temper!

outside sila's door

midwife: DEAD!

silas: WTF?

sara: she took him!

silas: to bad. well good for you, i kinda found this child. take her instead. better than nothing.(passing her the child)

sara: aaaaaaawh! we call her jenna!(suddenly smiles)

santinel: what a happy family! i love you! exept simon. he's eeeeeEeEEevil...

simon: (turns to santinel) hey!

nicky: you are so right! he broke my fishing rod!

simon: (turns to nicky) hey! fishing is stupid! magic is soooo cooooool. i cant get why you dont like it. i mean sooooo much cooler.

nicky: oh shut up.

sara: hwo are you?

santinel: i met your husband. his kinda coldblooded, no offense.

silas: (turns to santinel) hey!

i wont continue on this parody unless people read it. so please let me know if you like it ;)


	2. big news

Thanks, tyler4768! you are my first reviewer! maybe you can make an appearance somewhere... anyway, one chapter in the book is the same as one chapter here. so, on with chapter two...

a few months later...

sally:(storms in) I have BIG news!

sara:you always have big news.

sally: that can be, but this is BIG!

santinel: i love big news! tell me!

sara: i did'nt see you come in...

sally: hey! youre the one who took all my change money!

santinel: (looks through the air) ...

sally: (runs against santinel, ready to take her in)

sara: stop it! (stops sally)what where you supposed to tell me?

sally: the queen is dead!

sara: what?

sally: she was killed... BY HER LIFEGUARDS! i've got this from waterproof sources.

sara: WICH FUCKING SOURCES DID YOU GET THIS FROM?

sally: none other than madam marcia!

sara: anything more you maybe wanted to tell me?

sally: nobody knows where her daghter is...

sara: (glances against jenna) SHIT! JENNA IS THE PRINCESS!

santinel: finally found out?

sara: SHUT THE FUCK UP

sally:?

sara: SALLY? LEAVE RIGHT NOW. GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF MY HOME!

sally: pardon?

sara: GO!


	3. the general commander

**sorry for letting you wait!**

10 years later 6 in the morning

assassin: The queen, my lord!

general commander: What about the queen? (smiling calmly, he had a good day)

assassin: She has been found!

general commander:WHAT?(angry, not having such a good day anymore)

assassin: our spy has suspected the child for a while, my lord. The childs age is correct.

general commander: How old is she? (grumpy look)

assassin: Ten years today, my lord.

general commander: _really?_

assassin: She looks _just_ like her mother! her take a look!(shows him drawing)

general commander: your visiting the heaps tonight!

Santinel: (appears) how did you know there last name? nobody told you!

general commander: oops, blooper!(blushing)

santinel: really, blushing? you _never _blush in the book!

general commander: GET OUT!

santinel: why do everybody hate me? (disappearing)

alfred: (crashing into marsia)

marsia: (sitting up in her bed)

alfred: sorry marsia, not polite of me. well, well, at least you dont have crease ranges in your hair.

marsia: My hair is naturally curly, just so you know.(grumpy face) you could have waited until i woke up!

Alfred: i'm sorry Marsia, but this could'nt wait...


	4. marcia overstrand

**what do you write in a authers note if there is nothing to write? Hmmm...**

Marcia:_stomp, stomp, stomp,_(walks into room)

Mirror: _shit. Marcia is coming._

Marcia: minus 8,3 percent!

Mirror: _why does she always choose difficult numbers? I'm sure she does it on purpose... anyway, 8,3, i'm sure she said 83(makes Marcia 83% thinner)_

Marcia: Idiot! i look like a purple insect!

Mirror: _Okay, once more- WAIT A MINUTE- oooooh! she said 8 POINT 3, not 83.(laughes at himself)_

Marcia:(becomes normal) what are you laughing at, it's not funny!

Mirror: _It sure is..._

Marcia:(on top of the stairs) DOWN!(angry)

Stairs:_Geez, no need to scream. she is always so grumpy._

Santinel: you know Marcia, several inanimate objects hate you.

Marcia: Yes, i know. BUT WHO ARE YOU?

Santinel: then we have something in common! several inanimate objects hate me too!

Marcia: WHO ARE YOU, AND HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

Santinel: everybody ask's that! well, since i love you, i got here by my keyboard, and i am the one who loves everybody-exept simon-and i am here to annoy you!

Marcia: why do you annoy me if you love me?

Santinel: because it's fun!

Marcia: thats not fair!

Santinel: Life is not fair.

Marcia: you are so right.

Santinel: i am always right.

Marcia: you know, we could be friends. wanna give it a go?

Santinel: OK! now i wont annoy you- that much- anymore!

Marcia: (gets a snowball in her back) WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

boy(septimus, they dont know it yet!): I...I...

Santinel: Marcia, dont blame septimus, i mean, the boy, he didnt mean to.

Marcia: how old are you?

Boy: t-ten, madame...

Marcia: fuckin go to school then! that's where you are supposed to be!

boy: i'm in the boys army, we dont go to school._and good that is, i've heard it is boooring._

Marcia: and you are not cold?

Santinel: nobody in the boys army is cold, marcia, and you know that.

Marcia: you have a point.

Santinel: i ALLWAYS have a point.

Marcia: you are soooo right!

Santinel: have you ever heard...

Boy: _girls! they allways talk, it goes bla, bla, bla!_


	5. the princess

outside silas's door

Marcia: open up!

door: _I'm never letting marcia in_

Marcia: fuckin door(knocks on door)

Silas:(opening door) yes? what do you want?

Marcia: I am coming to get the princess. Can i have a glass of water first?

Jenna: (giving Marcia her water) _what a pretty dress! i want a dress like that too._

Marcia: thank you, princess, can i call you jenna?

Jenna: (looking at marcia's shoes)

Sara: ANSWER MADAM MARTHA!

Jenna: yes you can madam Marcia. _cool, i am the princess! now i can rule the world!_(making evil plans with an evil grin on her face)

Marcia: just say Marcia.

Silas: just do what you came for and leave!

Marcia: Jenna is the princess, and i am taking her with me.

Jenna: WOW! I AM THE PRINCESS! WOHOOO!

Santinel: yey! you are going to the tower of magic!

Silas: please. leave.

Marcia: no, we are best buddies. she shall stay.

Silas: SHE is your best buddie?

Marcia: YES, SHE IS!


End file.
